Tuesday, June 18, 2013

as perverse as it gets


There are all things quintessentially Canadian, in which, I am willing to share to validate the Canadian stereotype. We live in igloos all year round; yes, even in July when it can reach 38 degrees. (That's 100 F, for you ignorant Americans.) My father owns a farm where we cure our own bacon. Also, that maple syrup you took home as a souvenir, my dad owns that delicious shit too. Have you ever rolled your bacon in maple syrup? Fucking heaven in my pre-vegetarian days. And the fucking utmost quintessentially Canadian sartorial piece every Canuck owns, is perhaps a toque to keep your lil' nugget from harm.

We're all toque aficionados because we all knit our own toques and we've probably had sex with it on too. Every Canadian gets sexually aroused when one thrusts with a toque on into unison. AMIRIGHT?! We don't purchase them from Urban Outfitters or even order it online at ASOS. JK! JK! I don't fucking know how to even change my bike tire, let alone knit my own toque. The toque I'm donning in the above photo is from H&M and it is my WINTER toque.

That is correct. We have seasons.

There was dialogue earlier today with, let's call her Megan, about said toque. The functionality is essentially lost. You wouldn't wear sunglasses inside, would you? I don't know about you, but there would be sweat dripping down my face and down to my testicles. Isn't it strange to sunbathe and wear a toque? Like, don't you think its odd to wear your toque with a crop top? I'm not opposed to the idea of keeping your head warm during the summer. Hello, if newborn babies can pull it off, I'm sure it'll be age appropriate in your 20's too. Right. It could be diabolically genius if you can pull it off, but I don't think it should actually manifest itself. There are other forms of headwear, such as: fedoras, caps and even those funky ones you see at the Kentucky Derby.

We should all do goth ninja.

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