Thursday, October 31, 2013

today in non-arbitrary gifs

LtwJPv on Make A Gif, Animated Gifs

Happy Halloween.

I'm really concerned for that window because it appears to be watered down windex and that ain't going to result in a streak free shine. Please, please us lint free paper towels or at least a t-shirt by T by Alexander Wang.

GIF: Man Repeller

men, with feelings

I assumed this legging trend was dying, along with sport. Zara thinks otherwise. Not just for ladies of Canadiana lazy and students everywhere, but for men too. What body-con dresses are to women, leggings are to men. The once ubiquitous body-con dress was donned by red carpet ladies and club girls showcasing their slim bodies. The second skin for men will only do the same, but aren't we, like, self-conscious of how we neglect our legs and thus resulting in skinny-as-fuck legs that we are afraid to display to the world.

Who's purchasing these leggings and how do you feel about your gams? Are you doing enough squats and are you working on your calf muscles? I personally love skinny legs and that whole status quo stuff is bullshit. But really, reduce the amount you work on your upper body and pay attention down below. Do some horizontal running. A good muscular thigh is quite arousing. You might have to pass on the leggings, but these houndstooth trousers could be a suitable option.

Winter is coming.

Tuesday, October 29, 2013

kate bosworth wants to sell you this ugly ass coat

High street fashion chain Topshop has collaborated with Kate Bosworth on a capsule collection with a accompanying dull unauthentic video. You don't scream like that in real life Kate, you just don't when you saunter in Isabel Marant at Coachella.

The collection is pretty tame with what feels like a derivative of Balmain. You have denim with zippers and a lot of patent that will look cheap as shit on some Americans. The most puzzling piece from the collection is this expensive ass shearling coat at £595. The conversion to Canadian is $1100 and apparently already sold out on The Bay website. I'm always skeptical when a garment is sold out. My theory is that they only ordered 2-3 pieces and the attachment of sold out makes it sound exclusive. Net-A-Porter does this aplenty.

Anyway, if you do have $1100 laying around, this coat here is for sure to arouse your loins.

Monday, October 28, 2013

not the 90's, but like the 90's, without all that baggy shit

Something like this happened on July 13..

"Who's opening for Solange?" - Me

"I don't know." - Friend

"She's angsty. I like it." - Me

The above dialogue was somewhat fabricated, but the facts remain that Kelela was dope and Solange was a fucking goddess. I didn't get a chance to serenade my ears with Kelela and Google her until a recent article about rising said artist on Pitchfork. Two things we have in common: 1. we're both second-generation bad asses (albeit, she's south and I'm north) and 2. we express ourselves through creativity when it feels right. Kind of like Alaia, but I'm not Alaia.

On repetition is Cut 4 Me, a song that makes me vortex back to the 90's. And that's a good thing.

Who watched Crazy Sexy Cool: The TLC Story?

Saturday, October 26, 2013

it's saturday, time to turn your straight friend gay

Were you aware of Forbes list of the highest paid male models? Yes, of course. I should have never doubted fashion fiends. Then you know that Sean O'Pry ranked number one and raked in over a million dollars. That is roughly, I don't know, 5% of what Gisele Bundchen earned. Sean O'Pry is straight and one day could be my boyfriend, common-law, husband, what have you.

This would all be true, if he were fucking gay and actually attracted to the same-sex. I'm back to reality and paying high-rent for shitty apartments. I read an article on Huffington Post's Gay Voices about Dan Heching, a gay man, asking a straight man out on a date. Why do we insist on conquering what we can't have? He likes to eat pussy and you like to suck dick. Done.

The two eventually agreed to meet, have dinner and discuss work. The straight man talked about his girlfriend and then Heching suddenly felt a flight sensation, but stayed to endure the dumbness that inevitably followed. The article goes on and on and the topic of homophobia even arises. I don't even give a shit about the date anymore. Okay, fuck labelling theory and I like to think that sexuality can be fluid. However, the gays I know dislike bisexual people, but straight men are a given a pass.

What were you expecting? That he somehow would wake up one day and realize that he wants to rim your ass? Fun, right? Straight guys are straight. We should respect their sexuality as they should respect ours. How would you feel if a woman took you out on a date and politely asked you be straight so you can raise her children? Can you feel your authentic self wanting to be released from God's hands yet?

Anyway, I'm going to watch some gay-for-pay porn. This is probably where it all derived from.

Thursday, October 24, 2013

what if he was a straight art student

Central Saint Martins has graduated many notable alumni's including: M.I.A., Ricardo Tisci, Christopher Kane, Sarah Burton along with Lee McQueen, etc. One thing they all have in common is that they have all curated some form of performance art. It could be putting on a concert to showing a collection on the runway. Clayton Pettet, a second-year Central Saint Martins student, will, inevitably, have a dick up his ass in the name of performance art.

Lets discuss.

If you wish to discuss losing your virginity, save it. This is not about you, this is about Pettet and his justification of sex in front of his lads. The idea is riveting to the point of banal. The process is probably excruciatingly awful. Gay sex is not easy. It is sometimes a shitty (I had to) position that we only have one penetrable hole: the anus, which leads to the rectum, which could leads to finding your g-spot, also known as the prostate. You have to have a good amount of fibre throughout the day, a good shit, maybe a shower and if all else fails, the satisfying douche is your saviour and you must bow down to it.

Like, I'm sure the process prior to de-virginizing Pettet is going to be a performance art of itself. You have to relax, get the lube out (do you think he'll display his lube in a gold-plated chalice?) and finally, you stick it in. Gently.

Here's the short: it's just sex and he wants you to converse, question and ask why we value our virginity.

This could be beautiful. This could be awkward. We know he's a bottom. This is really just a horny 19 year old that needs something girth-eee and lets call it a day.


Wednesday, October 23, 2013

the technical term for sock bun is...

I can't differentiate the difference between dubstep and house and sometimes editors can't differentiate between Topshop and Carven. Show me the price tag. I've had many times, my dearest of peers, teach me the art of music I don't understand. Like a parent listening to their child's music, it's all noise.

I had another failed attempt at this music genre all thanks to the team at SSENSE for introducing this lanky Canadian from the east coast. Look at that thigh gap. Swoon. Sure, we can discuss his talent of Dj-ing, producing and boredom selfies, but the allure lies in the coolness of being uncool, which, makes him undeniably Seth Cohen cool.

Ryan, I'm sorry I don't understand your music. However, a loaded question about choosing Brandy or Monica lead you win me over. Answer: Brandy. Why? Mo to the, e to the, Moesha.


The relevance of this post is similar to that of Carrie Bradshaw writing about socks. 

Thursday, October 17, 2013

jumper, also known as a sweater in america

My western European trip this summer included moseying around with no plans because that's what a good traveler does. Albeit, I made a slight scheme to search for the nearest COS. I found & Other Stories in Barcelona and I read on Google Maps that COS was not too much of a distance away. I left Barcelona without purchasing anything from the high street shop of style over fashion.

Think cashmere, wool, leather, clean lines and at a price point that you'll want to "invest" in.

My next stop was Madrid and Calle de Claudio Coello was where I was headed. I walked up the street full of shops with Louboutin, Miu Miu and Sandro and much more your wallet can't afford. I was filled with glee when I found COS and proceeded to walk my tourist ass in there all sweaty and unapproachable. I picked up a few "investment" pieces - on sale.

I enjoyed the exclusivity, the approach to a lifestyle of simplicity and almost elitist and the quality of each garment I purchased. I'm speechless that COS will be opening its first store in Manhattan, but I think part of the marketing was to set up a one month pop-up shop in my favourite shop: Opening Ceremony. Think monocratic greys, a plethora of blacks to attend many funerals and a few accoutrements just to get you past fall. You can see the Melange Wool Blazer in action on Mike at Cup of Couple.

Um, Opening Ceremony, COS is having a mid-season sale.

Wednesday, October 16, 2013

the grooming station

I didn't have much male friends growing up and so I turned to my female friends for guidance, boys and gossip. Girls love gossiping and shopping and boys love physical activity where it just passes the line of homoerotic porn.

This evening, The Hudson Bay at Queen and Yonge is hosting an event to the XY chromosome to offer advice on style and in return, you open your wallet and fucking buy something. Have you seen their Sandro department? Massive. Like, it'll take me an hour to touch every piece and hope security doesn't bother me massive. The 3.1 Phillip Lim pieces are ever so growing, Bands of Outsiders has a selection of refined pieces I hope to buy on sale and the Opening Ceremony assortment is cute. Again, I'll wait for a sale.

Question: does the grooming station offer pubic advice? Seriously.

I have been contemplating attending this event for some time now and quite frankly, I'm broke. You don't need this loitering patron caressing the new Saturdays Surf NYC collection.

Thursday, October 10, 2013

joggers: what you call people who exercise, i call pants

I'm consistently in this state of mind where I want Common Project sneakers, but I just can't afford them. Albeit, I could afford them, but I need to eat. It's a lot of work to maintain this slenderness. That is exactly the sentiments I have in regards to joggers. I want them to work, but sometimes I can't and most of the time I'm left feeling impotent. What are joggers you ask? I'm glad you inquired. Well, they're essentially pants with an elastic band - almost mimicking a cuff - with the enjoyment of cutting off circulation. I'm not physician, but I don't recommend you donning them for longer than eight hours.

In a solitary state, the joggers are quite youthful, almost childlike, which sets me up for a challenge. The challenge being that I convert these pubescent joggers into my self-actualization urbanite adult at 26. 

The above photo is pretty bland, right? Ignore the misogynistic tee I purchased at Urban Outfitters a few years back when I didn't know any better. A graphic tee is absolute no. I appear to look 12 as it is and I can't afford to appear any younger. (Disclosure: I wear that tee to bed.)

The tee is off and I apply this denim shirt to add contrast. It's quite long and a little frumpy, but don't you fret, it's all part of the urban appeal. Smile slightly, but really I'm just constipated. Do I look 26 yet? No. 

The key to any adult ensemble is to add a jumper made of a luxury textile: wool. Look at how serious this jumper makes me appear, minus the flesh protruding from my mouth. I'm probably adult enough to start managing a hedge fund and opening of an RRSP. FYI: I will shit on your hedge fund.

Joggers by Topman, shirt by H&M, jumper by Club Monaco and oxfords by Meermin Mallorca

The thumbs up is something I picked up from my gf Alexa Chung. My eyes are quite large, but that is all part of the appeal. Look interested, but not too interested. It's all a slippery slope. Sneakers will work in this scenario during the day, but I opted for oxfords by Meermin Mallorca because I always have some important task or meeting. I don't.

Really, though, treadmill or elliptical?

Wednesday, October 9, 2013

the evolution of robin thicke, really

Look at this gentle, hairy and v-neck wearing Robin Thicke photo obviously shot by the ever-so-creepy Terry Richardson. Thicke, famous for his lyrics in Blurred Lines, yah know, about non-consensual sex and no means yes kind of business was a nice man once singing about love and cocaine and sex after heated arguments.

I had just the gnarliest crush on Robin Thicke back in the day when he opened for Alicia Keys. I paid to see Thicke, not Keys. And now, husband of Paula Patton is headlining his own tour and 1. you are a little expensive and 2. no love for a Toronto stop? Fine.

Blurred Lines is officially put into the archive and the rules of layering are now in session. Which means, I'm going to give you a official video tour of when Thicke was humble and singing about consensual coitus. Plus he's a Canuck who probably loves maple syrup, eh.

1. Lost Without U - Starring the love of his life and the mother of his child, Lost Without U is really song about losing you.

2. It's In The Morning - Sex in the morning is great with all that morning breath. I want to ask: what exactly does putting cream in the coffee mean?

3. Love After War - Paula Patton locks herself in a bathroom and puts on hair that doesn't belong to her. Sex ensues.

Tuesday, October 8, 2013

for the inner sailor in you


Every summer my style is generally skewed towards one specific aesthetic: nautical. Or as my peers like to call it very Americana. Think tees and long sleeves with very thin red of blue horizontal stripes flattering every skinny angle of my body. In addition, I have two of the most adorable anchor shorts that you would think I own a yacht in the south of France.
I am just that rich.
To compliment the one yacht-related footwear that I own, the boat shoe, I have discovered something delightful to execute next summers theme: nautical. It's classic, really. I discovered Miansai bracelets through Mr Porter because I have nothing better to do with my spare time than covet merchandise. And they're super affordable too starting at $55. I'm really yearning for the one with the green rope with a rose gold hook, it reminds me of the movie I Know What You Did Last Summer. Or if you're feeling global, the chain addition is quite classic, duh, and looks very nice when placed on a arm rest in an airplane. 
I have secured two locations in Toronto that carry Miansai so you can at an ease prepare for next summer of nautical. Lost & Found has a plethora of leather and rope varieties and watches too if you don't want to glare into your phone. Accoutrements aficionado Elevator boutique stocks necklaces and cufflinks and a tie bar, if your tie is feeling naked.

Meet me in Nice?

Friday, October 4, 2013

disecting manscaping

The male body form, was to be looked at and desired and now to be judged and scrutinize. We are now having to pluck, shave, trim, douche, paint our nails, even buy groceries at the men's department (JK), etc with products targeted specifically towards men.

I shop at the woman's department because there is more variety and it's much more affordable. Same shit, really.

A post on Ape to Gentleman appeared in my Flipboard about The Anatomy of Manscaping. When the word manscaping is used in the title, I will look for ways to tear shit apart. And so I did because the statistics seem to be null because the post included a recommendation from Braun. The manly brand using the word manscaping so leisurely. Braun did a survey and uncovered that 70% of men desire to have less body hair. More money for Braun and less body hair for you. Which now means that body hair is now considered undesirable and the only way to please you sexual partner is to labour away.

The article gives us some designs to consider varying on how much body hair your have. My personal favourite is the snail above because I think it looks phallic and funny. Number 1 is the tree, the most popular at 20%, where you are just about to graduate university and soon you'll enter your debauchery yuppie career.  Number 5 is for the lazy fucker who doesn't know how to switch clippers. He is the average guy with a SLK entering a new phase in his life dependent on cocaine. At least he's rich.

In conclusion, the Braun cruZer 6 shaver also works as a vibrator.

Photo: Ape to Gentleman