Wednesday, July 9, 2014

the beytingency

If you're reading this, it means you are not at the Beyonce (and Jay Z, but who gives a shit about Jay Z) concert at the Rogers Centre. Or you are at the concert and you have a acute addiction to your smartphone that would require psychological aid.

Your soul just died.

A week ago from today, my friend's friend was selling Bey tickets sectioned in 520, which, would require military grade binoculars. I declined. While all my peers are joyfully dancing to Superpower, Love On Top, Drunk In Love, etc. I will be enjoying the concert vicariously with her visual album while concurrently doing miscellaneous activities to keep myself from crying.

Activities that you will be doing that your friend's at the Beyonce concert wish they did instead:

1. Watch the Human Planet documentary.
2. Watch the Human Planet documentary naked.
3. Take a break and masturbate.
4. Continue masturbating.
5. Make an Etsy account. (At this point you should be watching Yonce/Partition)
6. Rename your Etsy username.
7. Rewatch Jason Stackhouse and Eric Northman reach coitus.
8. Maturbate.
9. Blog about how you wish you were at Beyonce, but not really. (BUT REALLY!!)
10. Google what Cheryl (Cole) has been up to.

I'm going to call it in early tonight.

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