Tuesday, October 14, 2014

le basic bro

This is thee year for the height of the Basic Bitch. Retailers are stocking yoga pants consistently, Lauren Conrad: Queen Basic Bitch, got married and Starbuck's released their famous Pumpkin Spice Latte (P.S.L. for short) extra early for the basic bitches that just couldn't wait. Crazy basics.

Then, I got cogitating, what about the basic bro's that they attract, that perpetually sexually assault them while they down their smooth Coor's beer. Who the fuck is still drinking Coor's beers. Okay, their rebuttal, though, the babes were "asking" for it.

It's binary, in that you can't have the basic bitch without the basic bro. Like yin and yang. Like Cher and Sunny. Like hipsters and PBR. Like gays and high top sneakers. Like bloggers and sponsors.

The Basic Bro: they're predominately white, thinks flip flops go with everything (they don't!), has been in (or is currently in) a fraternity, thinks Coors, Budweiser and Labatt Blue is premium beer (they're not!), babes are tethered to their athletic bodies, masculinity is not defined by your ability to open up, but by how long your board shorts are. And they are infinite.

If you responded positively to any of these, you, my dear friend, are a basic bro. There's nothing to be concerned about except your fucking mental health. While basic bitches are kind of a novelty, benign and really just fucking a nuisance, being a basic bro is taxing.

Need to cry? Based on context. Relationship breakup, no, mother's death, yes. Cold and in need of a sweater and can't admit it? Sounds about right. Want to sport the latest skinny jeans? You're going to be mocked, brah. Got PTSD? Sorry, can't, no, won't seek help. Discuss feelings? What are feelings?

The remedy to all is to have a kegger. KEGGGGERRRRR!!!!!!

Photo: Brian Finke

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