Wednesday, December 7, 2016

this shopping cart is for rich people only

It has been one week into December and while you have created a mental Christmas list, you actually haven’t physically gone out into the world. Or, your lazy, degenerate ass just ordered everything from Amazon. If you’re a rich and lazy degenerate then you have come to the right place.

What’s your budget? $442.67 for 6.5 people? That’s the proletariat budget.

Mr. Porter is waiting for you and your AMEX!

I have always imagined how the upper echelon of society lives with their 8 figure bank accounts and multiple homes in Rosedale and Muskoka. They probably have people walking their dogs for them, cleaning their toilets and wiping their behinds.

The 1%’s budget has a special place on Mr. Porter. The GIFTS tab is divided into three tiers, suitable for all men with a wide range of budgets.

The first tier is under $150, which is known as the “I live comfortably in my cozy studio apartment and can order the $100 sneakers if I want to just for the packaging.” The second tier is $150-$500. This man is more established, in his late 30s, early 40s. He already owns a top notch Breville espresso machine, but not the Diptyque candle for when he brings the ladies over.

And of course, it wouldn’t be Mr. Porter without the “ Gifts Over $500” tier. Here, you’ll find sex workers, a trip to Thailand and most notably, a refrigerator. Not actually. I compiled a list of gifts for the over $500 man to purchase for himself because he already has everything and nobody knows what he wants but himself.

Japan-Best’s Sewing Kit will help make your seamstresses life a tad easier when she’s altering one of many Tom Ford suits. Impeccably crafted and beautifully packaged. This kit is yours for $895.

Are you going to Thailand for the holidays? Unfortunately, they don’t sell vacation packages on Mr. Porter, but they are selling this Rimowa suitcase. You can put everything you bought in the $500 tier in it! ONLY $1,440!!!!

I’ve always wanted to own something by Thom Browne and so I did. I just put it in my online shopping cart and left it there, never taking it home. This quintessential blue jumper with its signature 4-stripe detailing is a must have for all millionaire start-up founders. Buy now for $1,590.

Sonos is cool and all with all its campaigns and millennial friendly products. So pedestrian. This wireless B&O Play speaker is part Eames, part diaphragm and a whole lot of sound! I think. I wouldn’t know, I am just not that rich. Available for $2,700.

Do you like cocktails? Do you like alcohol? Does drinking alcohol support your ability to thrive as a trust fund kid? Well, this rocket shaped cocktail shaker by Asprey is the price of a compact car or my rent for a year. Just $12,150. Pennies, really.

You can find me at Kitchen Stuff Plus.

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